5 Ways to Self-Soothe Difficult Emotions

Why self-soothing is important for your mental health.

When faced with strong or overwhelming emotions like anger, sadness, grief, despair, resentment, anxiety, hopelessness and loneliness it can be tempting to distract yourself through TV, mindlessly scrolling on social media, eating or taking substances to avoid the intensity of your emotions. Alternatively, you might find yourself reaching out to others and expecting them to make you feel better, and sometimes they do! They know how to reassure you, they validate how they would feel the same way; maybe they tell you they've experienced the same thing before and they managed to get through it. You temporarily feel better until the next time something happens and you hope your friend, a family member or your partner will be there for you again to take away the sting, the confusion the anguish of what you are going through....this time, they aren't available, or they don't say the right thing. You feel worse.

While reaching for others is healthy and can help you access the ventral vagal nervous system, if you do not also learn how to be there for yourself, you do not learn the valuable and essential tool of building a relationship with yourself and learning how to self-soothe or self-regulate. No matter where you go, others may come and go but you will always be there for yourself. You can count on that. That is why it behooves you to cultivate the deepest, most secure and connected allyship and bond with yourself, especially when things around you are hard. The more the challenge of the situation you are faced with, the more important it is for you to strengthen your relationship with yourself. This is just as true if you have a partner, especially if the challenge you are having is with them.

The fact of the matter is that even if you have some good people in your life or a partner, others are not always available to help your process or to hold space for you, they may not have the capacity to be with you when you need it, others don't always know what to say and you may feel worse when they don't say the right thing or they invalidate you.

Learning to turn toward yourself and self-soothe is a valuable skill that will allow you to meet your emotions and learn to be there for yourself in times of need. Developing a relationship with your internal world, whether it be through distinct parts, your emotions or your shadows means that no matter where you go or who is there or not there, you always have yourself to connect with and rely on in times of need.

In this article, we will explore 5 effective ways to self-soothe when feeling hurt, distressed, anxious or overwhelmed.

1. Get Curious

When there is something niggling at you, some sense of discomfort, it could be an undercurrent barely detectable, but some sense that something is off, or it could be knocking loudly at the door of your chest, making itself conspicuously known. One of the simplest and most effective ways to self-soothe is to place your hand on whatever part of your body is calling for your attention, take a deep breath and ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity. What are you trying to tell me, I can see something is bothering you. I am here, ready to listen, what do you want me to know? I know I've been ignoring you, but now you have my attention. This technique increases ventral vagal tone and helps turn on the body's relaxation response giving you access to your whole brain and reducing the survival state you are in so you can see more clearly and feel more internal space.

2. Emotional Awareness

Practicing labelling your emotions has been shown to reduce activity in the amygdala, your brain's emotional center, leading to decreased stress responses and reduced symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. In addition, labelling your emotions helps individuals recognize and understand their feelings more clearly and supports the ability to manage emotions effectively, reducing the likelihood of becoming overwhelmed by them. When you can name your emotions, you will foster better understanding and connection with yourself and others.

3. Go for a walk

Whether it's a brisk walk around the neighbourhood, a leisurely stroll in a park, or a hike in nature, walking offers numerous benefits for self-soothing. Walking in natural settings, can reduce cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and promote relaxation. So if you live near a park or a nature path, this could be a wonderful way to

soothe yourself by reducing anxiety and stress. The rhythmic motion can have a calming effect on the mind and walking triggers the release of endorphins, which are known as "feel-good" hormones. Walking provides an opportunity for mindfulness, focusing on the present moment, your surroundings and the sensations of movement in your body. This can shift your attention away from stressors and worries. Taking a walk, even a short one, gives a sense of agency and control. It's a simple action that you can take to improve your mood and well-being and something you can do on your own. Establishing a walking routine can provide a sense of structure and stability in daily life, which can be comforting and grounding. This can be your time just for you to be with yourself and start to build a relationship with yourself on your walks.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

When experiencing big emotions, it's important to be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and support you would offer to a close friend. Remind yourself that it's normal to feel this way and that you deserve care and comfort. Studies show that self-compassionate motivation is more effective and beneficial than shame-based motivation as it is a more sustainable way to increase motivation and goal pursuit. While shame can lead to temporary bursts of action out of fear or self-punishment, it often results in burnout or avoidance of the task altogether, self-judgment, negative self-image, impaired relationships, avoidance and procrastination.

The three components of Self-compassion, as conceptualized by psychologist Kristin Neff, consist of

Self-Kindness: This involves being warm and understanding toward yourself when you're facing pain, failure, or disappointment. Instead of harsh self-criticism or judgment, treat yourself with the same kindness and care that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation. It's about being gentle and supportive with your inner dialogue.

Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience is another key aspect of self-compassion. It's understanding that everyone makes mistakes, experiences pain, and faces challenges. This perspective helps to avoid feelings of isolation and loneliness that can come with difficult times, realizing that you are not alone in your struggles. When I was struggling in various moments I would go to a very important person in my life who was very good at helping me feel felt. After empathizing with me, she used to say to me "Okay, now stand up and look behind you and see a very long line of people who are feeling the same way as you". At the time, I remember that I didn't believe it. I still felt alone. I thought others couldn't have the same concerns as me because all I could see were those around me who seemed to have the things I wanted and who didn't feel the same way. But, when I look back with what I know now, I can see she was right....there were plenty of people feeling the same way, I just didn't happen to know them or know what was burrowed within those around me.

Mindfulness: Self-compassion also involves a mindful awareness of your own emotions and experiences, without suppressing or exaggerating them. This means acknowledging your feelings in a balanced way, neither ignoring them nor getting lost in them. Mindfulness helps you observe your thoughts and feelings without getting overly identified with them, which can create a sense of emotional balance and clarity. If you don't acknowledge what is there, what is there will own you.

Try this: Name it to tame it!

Notice thoughts: If you are having self-defeating thoughts, say to you yourself: "I am noticing I am having a negative thought", or "I am noticing my inner critic", or "My inner critic is here".

Notice sensation: "I am noticing tension in my chest",

Notice emotion: "I am noticing fear, worry, sadness, guilt, shame"

5. Journaling

Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be a powerful way to express, process and understand your emotions without judgment or censorship. Journaling can provide emotional clarity by helping you to organize and make sense of what you are feeling. In addition, it can help you to identify patterns and themes in your life, including your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This awareness can be valuable for personal growth and making positive changes. Journalling also acts as a way to release and express your frustrations, express anger, or explore difficult emotions without worrying about how it will be received. This act of release can be cathartic and help reduce emotional intensity.

Learning to self-soothe is a valuable skill that allows us to meet our big emotions with compassion and understanding. By incorporating these 5 strategies into your life, you can effectively navigate through challenging emotions and cultivate emotional well-being.