Are you Codependent?

In codependency, a person’s sense of worth comes from others rather than internally (Mazzola, 2019). This definition sums up the crux of codependence and all the rest varies from person to person. While we are all to some extent and very naturally and healthily so, dependent on one another and our relationships, there is a difference between being codependent and interdependent. Being interdependent feels reciprocal and harmonious.

Let's look further at codependence and finding worth externally. For some people, finding worth externally manifests as people pleasing, struggling to say no, doing things you don't really want to do, frequently making concessions for others, regularly helping and prioritizing other needs and wants, and not stopping to ask "what do I want", "what do I need"? It is natural to want to be helpful, valued, and accepted by others, the difference in codependency is that your very worth relies on being accepted, valued and helpful to others. Unless you get external validation, you struggle to feel good about yourself and lack self-esteem. You need others to assure you and it is exhausting. You may also feel as though, you don't really know who you are and you become easily influenced by those around you. Your sense of self is undefined, unstable and underdeveloped.

Codependency that is harmful to one's sense of self, occurs when there is an excessive focus on others' needs, feelings and wants at the expense of considering your own. This pattern occurs for a variety of reasons, either to gain love and approval or to avoid retaliation or the wrath of another. In codependency, you might not know how to separate how you see yourself from how others see you, they are one and the same. This means that if someone sees something negative about you, you start to believe it about yourself and will do anything to avoid negative evaluations from others. It is very hard to distinguish others from yourself. You might find yourself being hyper-attuned and hyper-vigilantly attentive to others, as you try to assess how they feel about you. You may find this makes you feel socially anxious and hesitant at work or in friend dynamics, dating or with your family.

How does codependency develop?

Each person is unique and has a combination of factors that may play into their codependency patterns. While familial, societal, cultural and gender expectations certainly play a role, oftentimes, the root of codependency stems from childhood. Children of parents who were extremely enmeshed in their lives, as well as children of caretakers with narcissistic tendencies often develop codependency. In an enmeshed dynamic, you would not have had many opportunities to develop your sense of self because a parent figure was always deciding for you how you should be in the world. Your needs were not considered, what mattered were the family's needs or your parent's expectations of you. If you experienced being frequently invalidated of your thoughts and feelings, you wouldn't know how to create your own sense of who you are. You may have also felt that love and acceptance were conditional, so you must be a certain way that others expect, to receive the love and acceptance you craved.

Other ways codependency can develop is through childhood neglect, psychological abuse or abandonment as a result of drug use, alcoholism or workaholism. If you had to fixate on others' moods or availability, it makes sense that you would have learned that to be seen, accepted and loved you had to be helpful and useful.

Please keep in mind, you may have come from an extremely loving home that felt physically safe, however, without stable emotional attunement, codependent patterns can develop.

Other ways codependency can manifest:

• Being concerned about burdening others with your troubles.

• Being there for others and not feeling they are there for you in the same way.

• Resentment in relationships with troubles expressing your needs.

• Desire to control situations or people.

• Allowing people who have hurt you back into your life over and over again, even if they continually show you they do not change.

• Intolerance when you think someone is upset or angry with you, which results in sleep disturbances, anxiety, depressive episodes, and seeking repair even if it means you do not maintain your values. You want things to be okay again as quickly as possible.

• The nagging feeling that you must help others, even when you don't have the capacity to do so.

• Inability to assert boundaries for fear that others will reject you or become disappointed with you.

• The inability to make decisions without checking with others on their opinions.

• Taking on other people's (partner, children, friends, families) feelings and desires as your own.

• Unsure of what you like, or want.

• Unsure of who you are.

• Challenges knowing what you feel.

• Taking on the responsibility of issues in relationships, as if everything is up to you.

• Anxious attachment patterns.

What is Interdependence?

As the social species that we are, like all mammals, we need to be in relationship with others. We are hardwired to connect, not only for our physical needs - especially in our youth and in times of vulnerability but also because being socially connected is critical for our mental and physical well-being. Our very nature is dependent on others, we need relationships to feel nurtured and cared for and to give us a sense of belonging and purpose. We equally need others to fulfill our drive to express nurturance and care outwardly.

Interdependence then, is dependence that feels reciprocal. Being interdependent means there is a mutual give-and-take that values both individual's needs, feelings and wants. In interdependence, there is dependence, but not to the extent that one side is controlling, directing and running the narrative, while the other suppresses or denies their needs, perception and values. Being in an interdependent relationship gives space to maintain your own identity. In interdependence, you can feel into and express what you want, while considering others' needs and wants. It is not you over me, it is me and you. Being interdependent means that you can say no if you don't want to do something and you are not going to be excessively concerned that you are a terrible person. You can listen to yourself, know yourself, know your needs and feelings and you can trust yourself.

If you relate to codependence or anxious attachment and would like to feel more secure and interdependent, please get in touch for help.

References

Bortolon, C. B., Signor, L., Moreira, T. D. C., Figueiró, L. R., Benchaya, M. C., Machado, C. A., ... & Barros, H. M. T. (2016). Family functioning and health issues associated with codependency in families of drug users. Ciência & Saúde Coletiva, 21, 101-107.

Irwin, H.J. (1995). Codependence, narcissism, and childhood trauma. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 51(5), pp.658-665.

Mazzola, K. (2019). The Codependency Recovery Plan: A 5-Step Guide to Understand, Accept, and Break Free from the Codependent Cycle.

Milushyna, M. (2015). Foreign studies of the codependency phenomenon. Humanities and Social Sciences, 20(22 (2)), 51-61.

Pryor, E. C. F., & Haber, L. C. (1992). Codependency: Another name for Bowen's undifferentiated self. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 28(4), 24-28.