Codependency

Who are you?

Who are you on your own compared to who are you with others? Who are you inherently versus the parts that developed due to your childhood traumas and conditioning? Which of your behaviours are learned coping mechanisms and maladaptive? Which parts of you feel easeful and authentic?

I integrate models of internal family systems and schema therapy as well as my own understanding of the human essence to address these questions.

You are many things, you have many qualities and many parts. That is the nature of being human, within us exists multiplicity. Some parts are vulnerable and young, some are protective and some you don't let others see. Depending on your life experiences you may feel you are very clear on who you are or at least some of your parts, while other parts don't get so much air time. Still, other parts of you which are running the show may be responding to past attachment traumas and make it feel difficult to connect with others, leaving you feeling misunderstood, disconnected and isolated.

The concept of Self in Internal Family Systems is defined as having the following qualities.

The 8 C's: Self Compassion, Creativity, Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, Calm, Connectedness and Clarity.

The 5 P's: Presence, Persistence, Perspective, Playfulness and Patience.

This is the Self that exists when your protective parts are not active.

In schema therapy, we learn to nurture and become acquainted with a healthy adult mode versus a vulnerable or angry child or punitive and demanding parent parts.

For individuals with childhood trauma (C-PTSD), strongly enmeshed childhood experiences and codependent traits this concept is further layered because it can feel as though you don't know yourself at all. You may feel as though, you are constantly changing depending on your external circumstances and who you are with, and that leaves you feeling unsure of who you really are, and empty when others are not there. You are unsure of what you like, what your purpose is and what you want to do. You seek approval as a means to feel safe.

If your sense of self is undefined, unstable and underdeveloped you may feel:

• Perpetual lack of confidence

• Full of self-doubt

• Overly swayed by the opinions, thoughts and perceptions of others

• A strong need to seek approval from others

• Hypervigilance in the presence of others

• Social anxiety

• Anxiety, depression, insomnia, suicidal thoughts

• Fear of failure

• Poor communication skills

• Emotional dysregulation

• Poor boundaries

• Controlling tendencies

• Challenges in work and career

• Compulsive behaviour

• Interpersonal challenges

• Codependency

• People pleasing

• Anxious attachment patterns

• Fear of conflict

• Fear of letting others down

• At risk of being pushed around and dominated by others

• At risk of having relationships with narcissistic abuse

  “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”

  - Brene Brown

  Even though you may not have a well-defined or clear sense of self, you do have parts, and you do have a Self and you can learn to nurture your healthy adult mode. Please get in touch for a free 20-minute consultation.